Only Me

Here’s one for the “it could only happen to me” file.

On Saturday, I went to my friend Chloe’s birthday party.  It was her 30^th, and she had decided to relive her 10^th birthday with 90s themed decorations, food, and games.  One of the games that she and her husband had planned was a massive Capture the Flag battle.  Fun, right?

Yes, except for the fact that they had re-imagined it into a drinking game.  Instead of flags, we were retrieving bottles of booze, which we had to bring back to our safe zone and chug in order to win.

Oh, and the bottles each had our names on them, so that there could be no cheating by not having someone drink their own bottle.

Oh, and the bottles had all been pre-filled, so I couldn’t fill mine up with something non-alcoholic.

Oh, and Henry was not on my team to help me be sneaky.  In fact, most of my teammates were people I didn’t know very well.

Henry and I were giggling SO HARD when the rules for the game were explained.  I’d been pregnant a week and was suddenly in one of the hardest to get out of drinking situations of my life?

Thankfully, Chloe knows we’ve been trying (though not the details of my infertility) and is used to me occasionally being a teetotaler for a week or two, so I was able to just pull her aside and say “What if you’re not drinking?”  There must have been something different in my voice because she said “For real this time?!” but thankfully she recovered and said that I didn’t have to answer that before I stammered out something awkward.  She gave me permission to pour out my bottle instead of drinking it, which I did and all was well.

So, the rumors have probably started. (Really, they probably started last week when I passed up the opportunity to have $1.25 good beer, but I was able to use the Lent excuse that time).

Anyway, ultrasound tomorrow!  I’m feeling much better about my beta numbers, so thank you all for the reassurance.  It’s so easy when you’re reading stories on the internet to focus on the ones that turn out badly instead of the ones that turn out well.  When I forced myself to look only at the ones that were closer to my actual situation, it seemed like those usually ended up fine.  Next time I do this, I might just ask for the initial beta number but then only have the nurse tell me if I'm rising at an acceptable rate.  Too much information = too much stress.

All that is not to say that I’m not still very nervous; however, I will be exactly six weeks tomorrow so there’s a pretty good chance that I will get to see a heartbeat to ease my worries.  Henry is hoping for two, but to me and my nerves that just seems greedy.  I say let’s stick with one good one.

I promise to keep you updated!

Beta Hell

Yesterday was my fourth and last beta, and I was hoping for a good strong number to fortify me for the wait until my ultrasound (which has been scheduled for next Tuesday).

Instead I got 2,543.

Now, actually, this is a fine number, it’s the doubling time that has me worried.  Based on beta doubling calculators, between my first and second beta (305-621 over 2 days), there was a doubling time of about 47 hours.  Between second and third (621-1634 over 3 days), it increased a little to 51 hours.  But between the third and fourth (1634-2543 over 2 days), it went allllll the way up to 75 hours.  That’s means that it’s suddenly taking a whole extra DAY to double!! That’s scary.

I am really, really trying not to freak out.  I am also failing miserably at not freaking out.  But, to make me feel better, please indulge my list of reasons not to freak out.

Why Chelsea Shouldn’t Be Freaking Out

• The nurse said it was fine.  Actually, she didn’t say fine, she said great.  The word “spectacular” was used.
• When I called the nurse back to ask for reassurance, she said that when the doctor saw the numbers he was not at all worried by them.  I’m pretty sure that his years of experience with hundreds if not thousands of betas trumps my Googling.
• The nurse also said that, after everything that I’ve been though, it’s normal to be anxious.  That could be part of it.
• According to this website, normal doubling times are 31-72 hours until the number gets to be about 1,200, then 72-96 hours.  I seem to be sticking to that perfectly.  The nurse also mentioned that the doubling time can slow down as the number increases.
• I’ve also read online that, once you get to about the 5^th week of pregnancy, you can’t rely on betas as much anymore and ultrasounds are better.  Yesterday I was 5w1d.
• If my clinic hadn’t insisted on testing me until I got to 2,000, everything would have looked perfect.  A lot of people only get two tests, to make sure the number is doubling, and I would have aced that.  I might just have too much information.
• It still rose 900 over two days, which is more than it has risen over any other two day period.  So not only is it still going up, it's still snowballing.
• I haven't had any spotting or over-the-top cramping that would indicate a miscarriage.
• I’m starting to wonder if my body just doesn’t produce as many hormones as some other people’s.  My estrogen never doubled very fast or got very high while I was stimming, either, but I still did ok.
• 2,543 is a good, healthy number.  Lots of pregnancies destined to fail never get that high.
• From my Googling, I’ve found plenty of people who had similar numbers and went on to have healthy babies.

Why Chelsea Should Be Freaking Out

• The rise seems to have hit the breaks very abruptly.  I would expect the normal slowing to be more gradual, wouldn't you?
• All the people on the internet seem to double with lightning speed well into the 10,000s.
• The nurse said that they want to see it double in three days.  Although she didn’t seem very concerned about this, at the current rate it would take a little more than three days to double.
• From my Googling, I’ve found plenty of people who had similar numbers and went on to have miscarriages.
• Hydros increase the chance of miscarriage.
• WHERE ARE MY SYMPTOMS???? All I want to do is throw up.  it would make me feel so much better.

It’s going to be a loooooong five days.

Still Pregnant

I’m still pregnant!

That pretty much sums up my feelings lately – happy, but like it could be taken away at any second.  Even though, intellectually, I know that the chances of miscarriage at this point are only about 1 in 5, I’m still super paranoid and afraid of jinxing anything.  It doesn’t help that I’m not really feeling any symptoms. I have some off-and-on cramping, but that’s actually subsided a lot since the implantation window. My boobs are occasionally a little bit sore, but not alarmingly so. I haven’t really noticed being any more tired – I think the fact that I’m energized by my happiness and the fact that spring has finally arrived is counteracting any pregnancy fatigue.  It’s still a little bit early to be feeling much but I think I’d feel a lot more comfortable if I woke up one morning nauseated, exhausted and unable to touch my boobs without wincing.  Everyone tells me it will come.

However, outside of my paranoid brain, things actually seem to be going really well.  Here’s how my betas have progressed:

10dp5dt: 305

12dp5dt: 621 (doubling time of ~47 hours)

15dp5dt: 1,634 (doubling time of ~51 hours)

Since the internet tells me that betas are supposed to double every 48-72 hours at first, and every 72-96 hours once you’re above about 1,200, I seem to be right on track!  Of course I’m a little paranoid because I feel like everyone else’s betas are tripling and quadrupling every 5 minutes, but my clinic seems happy, I’m well within the normal range, and everything I read tells me that you really can’t compare betas between people.  So I’m going to stop worrying. (HA! Like I could ever manage that).

My clinic monitors betas until you hit 2,000, so I have one more blood draw tomorrow before I’m out of beta comparison hell and into “but how am I supposed to know everything is ok?” hell.  And then, once I hit 2,000, they’ll schedule me for an ultrasound.  My nurse said something the day of my first beta about possibly having the ultrasound this Friday, and so far my numbers have tracked with what she estimated they’d be.  I’m really, really hoping my ultrasound ends up being on Friday – I’m dying to know what’s happening in there, and I think I’ll believe this pregnancy a little bit more once I’ve seen it on a screen.

Until then, I’m going to appreciate every day that I’m “still” pregnant!