Recombobulating

So, we’re back to square one.  Someone in my office (work, not doctors) just referred to the fact that she is “recombobulating” after the holidays, and that’s pretty much how I feel.  The negative blew me into a million pieces, but those pieces are starting to jiggle and come back to life and move back towards each other.  Soon enough I’ll be recombobulated.  I’m like that thing in Terminator Two.

My period started yesterday (and whoa there cramps and flow - my lining was definitely not the issue).  I had the option of starting back on birth control right away to get going on my second cycle (if you’re wondering what happened to the surgery I was going to get if this round didn’t work… I’ll explain later), but we’ve decided to take a month off and start with my next period.  Starting now would mean that stim/retrieval/transfer time would be in early-mid February, and we have a ski trip planned for the weekend of February 8 and a wedding in NYC over President’s Day weekend.  It wouldn’t kill us to miss either one, but we’ve been really looking forward to them and don’t want to put everything on pause while we go through treatment,  Even though it means a “wasted” month I think it’s important to keep those plans, enjoy life, and remind ourselves that we are more than our infertility.  It feels like a long time now, but it'll go fast (I am on a slight planning spree today) and in the long run a month is nothing.

Waiting a month also gives us time to get in a good place psychologically before trying again (I finally made an appointment with the counselor) and to really talk to the doctor about what worked, what didn’t, and what we can do differently moving forward.  I don’t want to rush in and make mistakes that could have been avoided with more reflection.

And, probably most importantly, the time between now and when I start again will give me some time to do a few everyday things that will help me feel like myself before this whole circus gets going again:

Running.  I never thought I’d miss running, but I went a little stir-crazy without it during the two week wait.  It’s too cold (and I’ve been too crampy) to go for a run yet but I’ll be out there soon.  Henry is just starting to train for a half marathon coming up in March, so I’m going to train with him for the foreseeable future.  I can’t wait. (Hopefully this will help me shed the 5-10 pounds I put on while sitting on the couch and eating Christmas cookies)

Alcohol.  I found out about my zero on New Year's Eve.  If you have to get a negative result, there are worse ways to wash it down than with red wine and steak, followed with pajamas and champagne on the couch.  I've missed alcohol.  I still doubt I’ll drink very much, but it’s good that, until I decide to detox again, the option is there.

Caffeine.  Almost as wonderful as my cocktail on New Year's Eve was my coffee on New Year's Day.  Again, I don’t think I’ll drink much of it – I drink tea, not coffee, most weekdays – but sometimes nothing can replace a steaming mug of caffeine.

Skiing.  I would have been happy to give up this year’s ski season for a pregnancy, but getting to ski is a nice consolation prize (especially since last winter was terrible but this one is looking good).  We’ll be making the trip to the mountains this weekend and at every other chance. (And, again, good for weight loss)

Fucking.  Pardon the language, but that’s what it will be.  I wasn’t totally celibate during my cycle, but between transvaginal ultrasounds, progesterone suppositories, and worry about uterine cramping, “my vagina” as I explained to Henry “was not a sexy place.”  For the next month (month and a half, really, since the birth control pills don’t affect anything), I plan to make up for lost time.  And, since my next cycle will be natural, I'll ovulate… stranger things have happened.  Plus fucking, like running and skiing, burns calories

So, the month off will be hedonistic and hopefully restorative, and with any luck the waiting won't drive me too crazy.  I DO plan to continue to blog throughout the month - it won't be completely free of doctors appointments, decisions, and nervous breakdowns - so you will be there right along with me.  Thanks for all your support :)

Zero

It was a no - second blood draw showed HCG back to 0.

:(

More to come in the next couple of days.

A Little Bit Pregnant

You know how I’ve been saying all along that I couldn’t imagine getting a firm yes or no, I just expected to be in limbo forever?  Well, I was right.

My beta came back at a 9.37.

Anything over a 5 is considered “positive,” but this is really, really low.  It could mean a late implantation, or it could mean that I was briefly pregnant and had an early miscarriage.  The only way to know is to go back on Monday for a repeat blood test and to see which way the numbers are moving.

So, I still don’t know if I’m pregnant.  I mean, I guess I am - the nurse on the phone did say the words, “you’re pregnant,” but there were a lot of conditions attached to it.  I’m trying not to get too hopeful or too discouraged, and to think of myself as still in limbo rather than pregnant with the risk of a miscarriage.  For all I know, the miscarriage has already happened.

The nurse said that with numbers like this, things tend to go 50/50.

If it doesn’t work, I’ll be ok -  I have never had the joy of being “pregnant” and therefore won't feel like I lost a pregnancy, so I actually think it’ll be better than a pure negative.  At least it proves that my embryos can implant, and maybe once my hydro is removed one will be able to stay implanted.

And if my test on Monday comes back and my numbers have jumped way up?  THEN I can celebrate.

 

I keep going back and forth between being really, really mad at how the universe is fucking with me, and not even caring because at this point I’m so numb from the emotional mood swings that it just makes me want to shrug.  There’s nothing to do until Monday, anyway.

%#&4!@)*#!*$&%#!@*&@!*#@!

Whoever said “You can’t be a little bit pregnant” must be the same asshole who said “Just relax and it will happen.”