A Little Bit Pregnant

You know how I’ve been saying all along that I couldn’t imagine getting a firm yes or no, I just expected to be in limbo forever?  Well, I was right.

My beta came back at a 9.37.

Anything over a 5 is considered “positive,” but this is really, really low.  It could mean a late implantation, or it could mean that I was briefly pregnant and had an early miscarriage.  The only way to know is to go back on Monday for a repeat blood test and to see which way the numbers are moving.

So, I still don’t know if I’m pregnant.  I mean, I guess I am - the nurse on the phone did say the words, “you’re pregnant,” but there were a lot of conditions attached to it.  I’m trying not to get too hopeful or too discouraged, and to think of myself as still in limbo rather than pregnant with the risk of a miscarriage.  For all I know, the miscarriage has already happened.

The nurse said that with numbers like this, things tend to go 50/50.

If it doesn’t work, I’ll be ok -  I have never had the joy of being “pregnant” and therefore won't feel like I lost a pregnancy, so I actually think it’ll be better than a pure negative.  At least it proves that my embryos can implant, and maybe once my hydro is removed one will be able to stay implanted.

And if my test on Monday comes back and my numbers have jumped way up?  THEN I can celebrate.

 

I keep going back and forth between being really, really mad at how the universe is fucking with me, and not even caring because at this point I’m so numb from the emotional mood swings that it just makes me want to shrug.  There’s nothing to do until Monday, anyway.

%#&4!@)*#!*$&%#!@*&@!*#@!

Whoever said “You can’t be a little bit pregnant” must be the same asshole who said “Just relax and it will happen.”