Brightsiding

You guys are so nice to comment and wish me luck!

Yesterday they retrieved six eggs.  This morning, I found out that four were mature and one had fertilized naturally (well, as naturally as things can fertilize in IVF) and was dividing “beautifully.”  The other three are being ICSIed this morning (this was the plan – to try conventional insemination first and then ICSI them if that failed).  The nurse assured me that the second-day ICSI often works, it just means that those eggs are a day behind, so I’m not too freaked out (at least that’s what I’m telling myself).  I’m also trying to stay off of the interwebs because people do not like this “rescue” ICSI too much.

So, yes, I’m a little disappointed… I would have loved more eggs, more fertilization, more confidence that things will move forward smoothly.  But if IVF isn’t one long process of staring into the abyss and learning to, as my best friend put it, “accept ambiguity,” then I don’t know what is.  So, onward!  After all, we have one awesome embryo, and three more eggs that could be awesome embryos by this time tomorrow.

I’m a huge fan of trying to find the bright side to anything, or figuring out why something that might seem bad is actually meant to be.  Under the influence of that impulse, I think I’ve found a way to rationalize away these disappointments:

First, why is it actually good that fewer eggs were retrieved?

With my hydrosalpinx, extra fluid in my tubes is bad.  Fluid could make the hydro even bigger and maybe increase its negative effects.  What causes extra fluid?  Ovulation and follicle growth.  Some folks on the internet have even said that they were misdiagnosed as having a hydro when all they really had was a little extra fluid build-up from ovulation.  So while no one wants to get overstimulated, it was especially important for me not to get overstimulated.  A lot of eggs would have meant a lot of fluid which would have meant an angry, swollen hydro.  Thanks to the fact that I didn’t have too many eggs, my fluid build-up is minimal - I’m already less bloated than I was yesterday.  Maybe I was meant to have just a few eggs in order to not wake that sleeping beast in my tube.

Ok then, why the low fertilization?

Assuming that at least one of the ICSIed eggs grows into an embryo, there are two options:

The first, and more exciting, is so that I can have twins!  A while ago we made the decision to transfer two eggs if it was a three day transfer, and one if it was a five day.  If I’m meant to have (fraternal) twins, that means I have to have a three day transfer.  Of course, in order to have a three day transfer, I have to have fewer eggs available. I’ve always wanted twins, so, thanks, universe!

The other idea I’ve had is that maybe the “best” embryo isn’t the one destined to implant; maybe it’s the slightly weaker one, the one that wouldn’t make it to day 5 or survive freezing, that is our intended child.  Maybe I need to do that three-day transfer of two embryos so that this underdog gets a shot at implanting.  Maybe the embryologist ICSIed the next Dali Lama this morning.

Of course, “meant to be” is a dangerous game to play when you’re dealing with infertility; if I get a phone call tomorrow that our one embryo stopped growing, I won’t be able to rationalize it.  But, for now, it’s making me feel better. So, onward!