8dp5dt: To Test or Not To Test

I’m now 8dp5dt, and my beta test is in less than 48 hours.
I also have three pregnancy tests in the house.

Henry has declared himself the “Arbiter of Pee Sticks” (I imagine that this is a title conferred by the same organization that anointed Lily “Slap Bet Commissioner” in HIMYM), and put himself in charge of when I’m allowed to test so that I don't go crazy.  He also hid the tests from me, and although I know where they are (and he knows I know), they’re up too high for me to reach without some effort.  However, I’m fairly certain that I could get him to “let” me test anytime.  “Let,” of course, being subjective, since I can get the tests down myself.

So, in summation, I can test whenever I want.  We’re to the point where whatever result I get would probably be the correct one, and I keep going back and forth on whether I want to test before my beta.

Here’s my pro/con list:

For Testing Early:

• I’ll find out sooner.
• I won’t find out at work.  I’ll probably cry whether it’s positive or negative, and I’d rather not cry at work.
• Henry and I can find out together.
• I can have some time to get used to the idea, whatever it is, before the phone rings.
• We can not tell our parents that we tested early, and have a day or so when the news is private to me and Henry.
• It's not fair for the nurse to know before me.
• All the people who get pregnant naturally get to find out from a pregnancy test.  Is this really yet another thing that infertility is going to to take away from me?

Against Testing Early:

• It’s easier to find out “no” on the phone than from a smug little pee stick.
• My nurse told me not to, and she hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
• No squinting to see if there’s another line or trying to talk myself into the idea that it’s too early – assuming there aren’t any questionable beta issues again, I get an answer, and that’s that.
• Even if it’s positive, I’m still going to worry about my beta numbers, then my numbers doubling, then the ultrasound going ok, then something else… I might as well stay in this stage of worry a little longer.
• After seeing so many negative pregnancy tests, I have an irrational fear of them and am sort of convinced the very act of testing early will make it be negative.  Crazy, but I can’t help it.

In my brain, those lists pretty much cancel each other out.  The truth is, if the result is positive, I’d rather find out early (more time to celebrate!), but if it’s negative, I’d rather wait till my beta and just do it like a band aid.  But of course, there’s no way of knowing without testing, so I have this conundrum!  Can’t someone just come and secretly test my pee for me and tell me what to do?

I think what Henry and I have settled on is that I’ll test the morning of my beta.  Then we can find out together, at home, but still keep all the emotions confined to one day.  That feels right to me.

And how am I feeling?  I’m actually feeling pretty positive… I’ve been sort of crampy, which didn’t happen so much last time and I read is a good sign.  Usually I don’t cramp until after my period has started, so I don’t think it has anything to do with my period.  I haven’t had any other symptoms, but I think that’s fine… I realized that other day that after my trigger shot there was a whole lot of hcg in my system, yet I didn’t have sore boobs, nausea, etc.  So why would I get those symptoms now, when even if I am pregnant my hcg isn’t up to those levels yet?

Anyway, it’s all a mystery for the next two days.  Honestly, I’m terrified of Wednesday. 

P.S.  I never wrote about it, but I found out a little while ago that three of my embryos made it to freeze!  If I'm pregnant now, there's a pretty good chance I will never go through an egg retrieval again.  No complaints there!