Time to Tell

I think we’re going to have to start telling people about what’s going on.

You all know that even though I’ve been tempted to tell before, I’ve never been a big fan of this idea.  I don’t like people feeling sorry for me, I don’t want to have to answer questions when I’m not in the mood for it, and I don’t want people talking behind my back.

I always figured that if we could make it through the holidays without telling, we’d be home free.  I mean, every weekend over the holidays is packed with get-togethers, there’s always alcohol around, and you’re running into lots of nosy people you don’t normally see.  Seems ripe for some secret-spilling.  Meanwhile, February/March is an easy time to hide out: there are no major holidays, everyone stays in because the weather is gross, and you can say “I gave up drinking for Lent” (an excuse I’ve already used).  Should be easy to keep a secret.

So why am I feeling more pressure to tell now, in February, than I ever did in December?  Two words: summer plans.

I didn’t factor in the fact that in December, everyone else is so busy they don’t notice you.  You can’t come to their party?  You’re probably at another one.  You don’t have a drink?  Who cares, I’m opening presents.  In FEBRUARY though, everyone is bored and starts making plans for the summer.  And it’s hard to be noncommittal about plans that are being four months in advance.  What, you have something else already planned for June 22? 

It all started with an invitation from my friend Andi to join her at an amazing three-day music festival a couple hours from home.  I’ve never done the whole camp-at-a-concert thing before, so my first reaction was to say that yes, I definitely wanted to go.  And then, the tickets went on sale and it was time to either buy them or not.  When faced with the actual decision, I realized that at the time of the concert (late June) I’ll probably be in one of four states:

  

1. If I end up somehow managing to do a fresh transfer this time, and it works, I’ll be about 15 weeks pregnant.  Assuming everything is healthy and normal, that’s actually perfect – I’ll be past morning sickness and showing just enough to look cute in a sundress.  I could totally do a camping concert 15 weeks pregnant.

2. If we stick to the retrieval-freeze-surgery-FET plan, and it works, I’ll be 6-ish weeks pregnant.  From what I know of morning sickness, 6 weeks is not the time to camp out in the heat with a bunch of smelly hippies.  I could not do a camping concert at 6 weeks pregnant.

3. If I don’t get pregnant or timing works out differently than expect, I could be in the middle of some kind of cycle.  I postponed this cycle because of plans, but I’m getting antsy so that’s probably not going to happen again. I would not choose a concert over being available for monitoring, retrievals, transfers, etc, so if I’m in the middle of a cycle, I wouldn’t be able to go.

4. I could be not pregnant, and in the down time between cycles.  In this case I could go, but I probably won’t be very happy about it.

Since I need to keep my schedule open in the likely instance of case number 2 or 3, I had to tell Andi that I didn’t know for sure that I’d be able to go and I’d get my tickets later if they were still available.  Thankfully, Andi knew other people going and didn’t ask why, so that problem was solved (for now).  But that’s how everything is going to be until I get pregnant and have a clear idea of my timeline, and I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of seeming flakey for always leaving myself a loophole.  I’m tired of feeling like a bad friend who doesn’t want to make plans with anyone.  And I’m tired of feeling like my friendships aren’t as close because no one knows what’s really going on in my life.  At this point, I feel like all of this is stressing me out more than people knowing would.

So while we’re still not going to make any announcements, I’m giving myself (and Henry) permission to tell.  Next time I feel the urge to say something, I’m going to give into it. I’m not exactly how that will work (“I’m sorry I can’t commit to your beach weekend, but I need to be available for a transvaginal ultrasound”?), but I’ll figure it out.